I give up !

This is so important !!

We waste so much time and energy on people that clearly don't care about us.  Why is that?  Why do we need people to like us? Why do we expect people to like us? I wonder that all the time. It seems like if someone does not care about me or for me I spend energy analyzing what I have done or more often - what have I done to this person to make them dislike me.  Am I the problem or am I the solution. I try so hard to figure it out that I think I am going crazy.  I reach out and get no response.  I call and no response.  What if these people are my family - aren't they supposed to like me?

I try to act like it does not bother me, however it bothers me a lot.  Quick example - birthdays come and go.  For theirs I FB message, text and CALLED on the phone.  I actually spoke to them for a bit.  Mostly about work or the kids - not what I would have considered personal at all. My birthday comes along and I get FB messages.  No one bothered to call.  It really makes me sad as this was exactly what my mom predicted would happen.  We gathered there in March and reassured her we would all be fine and  together.  After mom died and we spent a week together doing things, I was thinking well maybe her thinking was just that thinking about what would happened when she left this world.  I think I have spoken to 1 once in 3 years - because I called on the birthday.  2 of them just a handful of times - again because I call.  I was determined at Christmas not to call.  I did not and neither did they. One I speak with all the time as we are in the same boat.  No one includes her calls her, nothing.  It's really sad and I am glad I have her. What happened after mom died?  I think that they were all so busy and together and I was away that they no longer think I am part of their family or a sibling. Is that possible?  We have always been so close - at least I thought. Do they blame me because I was not there for the months they were all taking care of her?  Do they blame me for not allowing mom to come out the last 2 years?  I try not to make this about me, but since I talk to no one that is what I have come up with. I pray about this daily and wonder if they do too? Do I have the wrong attitude? What am I supposed to think?  What am I to do?  Keep doing the same - no one talking?

My hubby had a solution one night when I was crying, he suggested I call and ask them what is the matter?  Maybe they are just so busy with their own lives they don't think about me.  I guess that is a solution I will have to ponder.  Maybe they are waiting for me to ask, waiting for me to decide for them.  Oh, well, I will have to write more on this later.  We shall see.

Backpack man

Today is October 24, 2014

My observation of a Main Street walker today.

Backpack man with umbrella blocking the side walk to you have to walk in the street to pass or worse - pass between him standing on the edge of the sidewalk facing the gradual hill where his back pack is residing. It is raining so now he has his umbrella out.  Blocking more of the sidewalk. A little lady with a cane has to pass by to get to her car in the parking lot. She is with her daughter. You can see she is wondering which way to go. Between the man with the umbrella and his backpack or around the man, into the street. She chooses the street.  The man turns and says something to her. He speaks quietly and I can't hear what he has to say.  Cane woman looks at him as I get ready to run out of the store to help, I see she and her daughter continue to go into the parking lot and get to their car safely.

From my window I watch each person struggle with the decision... to go between or go into the street.  Most choose the street for their own reasons of flee or fight.  I too had to make this decision as I walk to my store.  I smile when I walk down the hill and he is not there.  Then the smile leaves and I notice that he was not gone, he has just moved.  

He is talking to himself as I pass by minding my own business.  I don't walk close enough to hear him.  He stands leaning on the railing with his cup out for tips.  Backpack is on the ground as he meditates.  He has his eyes closed for the most part.  Opens them when people pass by.  He paces back and forth along the sidewalk.  He goes down about 5 stores in one direction and back the other way.  Down 5-6 stores and back to his starting point.  I can hear him talk and would assume he is talking to someone on the phone.  He is not.  Just listen to him.  FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS.  That is what he says each time he passes by.  

I wonder why he is here? Does he have family here? Why this time of year?  Winters here are brutal.  Where does he sleep at night?  Do you put $ into his cup?  do you offer food.  What do YOU do...

I am thankful I do have a home, warm clothes, food, a job, family.  What are you thankful for?

Have a great night and remember what you are thankful for tonight when you go to sleep.